Wax Factor

Stop the presses! The Daily Mail has completed its long-running investigation into a matter of intense public interest. Following in the grand tradition of Fleet Street's finest achievements, the voice of middle England has completed its expose of Simon Cowell's hot-wax beauty routines.

In a clear attempt to provide readers with a zeitgeist for banal journalism, the paper followed revelations earlier this week that the X Factor overlord removes the hair from the back of his hands with a blow-by-blow account of his annual beauty bill.

If you were wondering, the article breathlessly describes the 50-year-old's hands as "silky smooth -- in stark contrast to his forearms, which are covered in thick, dark hair".

The author of Monday's Wax Factor was kindly granted anonymity by the editor Paul Dacre in the knowledge that this article may be you used against him or her at a later date.

Today's It's Simon Cowwwwell -- note the witty use of additional Ws -- continues a long-running trend of reportage that dates back to the 19th century, when profiles of celebrated individuals emerged alongside more salacious stories discovering scandals.

Although celebrity and journalism have been twinned for the best part of 200 years, reporting on the hand waxing routines of a judge on a glorified version of televised karaoke must be a new low. Never mind the fact it made onto the newspaper's front cover.

As erstwhile Daily Mail columnist and Muslim-baiter Richard Littlejohn would say: You couldn't make it up!!!